Lynette Boyd

Can I date during my divorce? Most attorneys would tell you dating during your divorce is allowed BUT dating during your divorce is not ideal, to avoid it and generally advise against it for some of the following reasons:

1. It may prolong the divorce.
2. It may increase attorneys’ fees litigating issues of dissipation also known as community waste.
3. It may increase discovery including but not limited to obtaining records of text messages, phone records, bank, credit card records, etc.
4. Private investigators may be hired.
5. It may create issues resolving parenting time and decision making.
6. It may strain relationships with your children.
7. The children may not be ready for new relationships.
8. It may damage your relationship with the other party increasing tension and conflict.
9. It may not be healthy for you to go from one relationship to the next until you work on yourself to heal emotionally.
10. It may lead to impulsive decisions by both parties.
11. All cases and situations are different, and as such, you should discuss the issue of dating during your divorce with your attorney preferably before you start.

1) Be proactive and do not ignore it or think it will go away.
2) Set up consultations with at least 2-3 attorneys from different firms to find an individual that you can work well with.
3) If you are going to represent yourself, become familiar with the law and seek out assistance/self-help that may be provided by the courts and/or local bar associations.
4) You have a limited time period in which to respond to the Petition for Dissolution of Marriage so make sure you file it within that time.
5) Failure to respond to the Petition for Dissolution of Marriage may be a basis for the court to hold you in default.
6) Seek assistance from a mental health professional if you need help dealing with the divorce process and need coping skills.
7) Be prepared to provide documentation of your income, assets, and liabilities.
8) Be prepared to take a parenting class if you have children.
9) Conflict is expensive so reach agreements up front with assistance of counsel.
10) Be assured that you will be ok and will get through the process by making sound decisions while keeping emotions in check.

1. Educate your spouse on “Collaborative Divorce”  by referring them to the Collaborative Professionals of Phoenix, Collaborative Divorce Illinois and/or the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals.
2. Be assured that the team will be collaborative, so the parties do not necessarily have to be in order for this process to work.
3. It is helpful for the parties to first go to a “neutral” team member to discuss the collaborative divorce option and the benefits of this process over litigation. The neutral will be the mental health coach or the financial coach. You can find the neutrals by going to the websites above as the members of the collaborative professionals are all listed.
4. Conflict is expensive so invest in your collaborative divorce team up front which will save you money in the end and give you tools to manage conflict.
5. If you have children, ask yourself what you want your children to think about the divorce process 10 years from now. A collaborative divorce with a child specialist who assists in preparing a parenting plan with special insert plans, if necessary, will be a significant asset to your children minimizing trauma that could have long term health effects for them as studies have shown after going through the litigation process.
6. Your collaborative divorce team will generate options and ideas from their different roles, education and training for you and your spouse to use while deciding your own outcome rather than a judge who will know very little about you and your children.
7. If you have any questions, please reach out to the organizations who have collaborative divorce professional as members.

There is no right or wrong answer as each individual will have to decide this for themselves but here are some things to consider:

With a little research, most people can find legal forms to use. People often think they can simply fill out the basic forms and then ask the Judge to grant the relief they want such as a divorce, or a change in parenting time, etc. However, it is not that simple and often times once filed, circumstances arise where these individuals find themselves involved in a difficult situation they cannot get out of causing them to desperately start reaching for attorneys to assist. On a regular basis, I receive calls from people who are a month or two out from trial and litigants feel they can retain attorneys at that time. This is simply not true and people might find that most attorneys will not take on their cause at that time. If an attorney does take on the case, be prepared to hand off a sizable retainer. There are a couple for reasons for this and that is mostly due to lack of time under the rules to have the case ready for trial and the inability to undo all the things that went wrong leading up to the current state of affairs. Before you consider representing yourself, have a consultation with an attorney and if money is an issue see if the attorney is willing to represent you from the beginning in a limited scope capacity such as for consulting and reviewing of documents rather than filing an actual appearance. You should also consider alternative dispute resolution procedures such as mediation or the collaborative practice for divorce and/or child related matters. 

Yes, now is the time if you need to file a motion to get the issue before the court to decide.

1. If you already have a court ordered holiday plan, look it over to make sure you understand it. Sometimes special events occur on the holidays so you will want to address any modifications to the schedule as soon as possible. If there is a disagreement, then try to get in to see a mediator right away. Often your order will require this before you file a motion in court.
2. If you do not have a court ordered holiday plan, then discuss with your attorney about filing a temporary motion to set a schedule. Some standard holidays and times off include but are not limited to Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas Day, Christmas Eve, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day, winter break and depending on your religious practices, there may be other celebrations.
3. If you do not address these matters soon, it will be difficult to get the court’s ruling and generally these type of issues do not constitute an emergency. If you do not receive a holiday this year, then keep track of it so that when a permanent schedule is drafted, you can possibly get it the following year.

1) You can be in the comfort of your own surroundings.

2) It doesn’t feel as confrontational as face-to-face meetings can be at times.

3) You can have something to focus on if you don’t want to make eye contact.

4) Remote access. You have a big convenience factor with no commute time either way.

5) You can touch up your appearance if you like.

6) You have the ability to screen sharing thus preventing the need to haul documents around.

7) Whiteboarding allowing users to draw and make notes in real time which helps with things like creating parenting plans.

8) It is cost effective especially for non-evidentiary court appearances.

9) It is simple to get set up to use plus it is free by downloading the app.

10) Google provides calendar support.

11) Counteract worry about using zoom by telling yourself the meeting will be OK, nervousness will subside and practice ahead of time with a friend.

12) Remember that during regular in person meetings it is acceptable for people to stretch, re-adjust and get water. You should feel free to do the same on zoom and not be of the opinion that you cannot move.

13) Wear proper attire.

14) Do not do anything you would not normally do at an in-person meeting like smoke for example.

15) Avoid talking over people. Only one person can talk at a time which keeps the meeting very controlled unlike what can occur during face-to face meetings.

16) If necessary you can go into break out rooms rather than having to physically get up and go into a different room in an office if there is one available.

It is in the children’s best interest to have parents reach mutual decisions concerning their children rather than an individual who knows little about the children other than a few hours in a contested hearing. Often when parents are told they will have to attend mediation on parenting issues I observe an eye role or a sigh as if it is a lot of extra work. People do not understand the importance of mediation in these circumstances. It is going to be more cost effective, less stress on the family, and produce a better environment for all if you can do the following:

1. Narrow the scope of the disagreement! Clearly delineate and break down the areas requiring decision making. Some parents are so emotionally upset with the other parent that they just do not want to even look at them much less talk to them.  In the best interest of your kids, you need to put your emotions aside. These are the major areas the court is looking for you to agree upon:
2. Health care;
3. Education;
4. Religion;
5. Extra-Curricular; and
6. Parenting time for both parents;

If you have older children, then there will already be a history of decisions made on these issues and a mediator and/or your attorney should help you break these down further so that an agreement can be made. For example, a suggestion on medical might be that if the pediatrician was selected a long time ago and the child still sees that doctor, why not agree to follow the recommendations of the doctor if there is a disagreement? Your mediator and attorney should be able to help you generate more options like this. You may not settle everything but if you can settle some matters, that is well worth your time, money and overall well-being of the family.